Coping With Your Parents’ Divorce
It’s not easy, even when you’re all grown up
Looking back, 35-year-old Tracy* realizes there were hints of problems in her parents’ marriage long ago. But they seemed such a model family that when her father walked out at age 60, “everyone’s jaw dropped,” she says.
Months later, Tracy is still adjusting to the rush of emotions and issues facing adult children of divorce. One of the major feelings is grief, says clinical social worker Pat Gordy of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.
“When your parents divorce, you lose your family home and traditions,” she says. “You may start to question every part of your past, even the happy memories.” Tracy lost the trust in her father that formed the bedrock of her childhood. “They stop being parents and become completely human,” she says.
Anger is another common emotion, especially if the divorce was not a mutual decision. Tracy’s father, it turned out, had a long history of infidelity. “I’m still very angry with him, and also with her for staying with him and burying what she knew,” Tracy says.
Many divorcing parents try to confide in their children, creating confusion about roles and putting the child—whose loyalties are divided—in a tough position. Tracy was treated as a confidante by both parents. She knew her father wanted a divorce even before her mother knew it.
Grandchildren add another layer of concerns. “My 5-year-old thought the sun rose and set on her grandfather,” Tracy says. “Now she wants to know where he’s gone.”
Finally, a late divorce can raise worries about the parents’ future security. Children may be thrust into helping their parents solve financial or housing issues and even (as in Tracy’s case) working through the divorce with them.
How to cope with all these challenges? Here are Gordy’s strategies:
Recognize that you can’t save your parents’ marriage.
Allow yourself to grieve. Just as in a death, you’ll go through the stages from shock to denial, sadness, anger and finally acceptance.
Draw support from your siblings.
Don’t let the divorce taint your happy memories or cause you to doubt your own marriage.
Stay out of the middle. If one parent starts bad-mouthing the other, say “I don’t want to hear this.”
Set early boundaries with a needy parent. You’re not the therapist. Encourage him or her to seek help through church or community resources.
Build a relationship with each parent. Be creative about staying in touch—the time it takes may be well worth it.
Plan ahead how you’ll celebrate holidays. Try new traditions and stay flexible.
Consider short-term counseling to help you cope with the transition.
Is your parents’ divorce easier when you’re an adult? “It’s different,” Gordy says. “When you’re a child, your parents draw the road map. As an adult you have to create your own.” “The shell shock is tough,” Tracy says. “It helps to remember that this needed to happen and they’ll be happier someday.”
Want to Know More? If you’re interested in a support group for adult children of divorce or how to create a “good divorce,” call 610-402-CARE.
Published from Healthy You Magazine, September-October 2008
This page last updated 8/22/08 01:11 PM
